Kids Invented The Gun Machine In No Uncertain Pixel Paints

It was clearly labelled and placed against a pink wall.

Young minds. Sure, you constantly hear them ticking and whirring over in the candy stick line, but what is it they are inventing? A soda that makes you spit Google Maps? Binoculars that transform into an ice tray? And more importantly: how much will their inventions cost you, The Consumer?

I’m back and I’ve freelance professored you up some kid inventions from KIDFORUM’s 1996 master list of kid inventions from planet Earth!

This bomb picks up pollution by blowing it up. It also senses parks and animals and tries to scoot itself closer to the polluted things. Invented by Lauren Newberry, who says, “It sells for $100 a piece, and I tell you what, if you by this now I will send you another one for free.” Whatever you say, you wheelin-dealin two-bomb child inventor you.

I mentioned this one earlier. It’s GUN MACHINE. It’s $99.80.

Candace says, “My invention is called THE DRUG DESTROYER 2. It makes drugs into toys like rabbits. My drug machine is very useful to the world. It takes drugs away from people anywhere in the world, so you don’t have to worry about your childern being talked into doing drugs. Then we send the bunny back to the person who had the drugs, but inside the bunny its got a detector to track them down to show us if they have any more drugs. It only costs 20 dollars.”

Okay, well, I like how it helps kids. I just don’t like that a whole bunch of crap is piling up on top of The Drug Destroyer 2. Whoever has it obviously isn’t taking care.

There are also signs of forced entry. It appears that someone has used a blowtorch to cut around the door. I guess they got their drugs back. So it doesn’t help kids and it doesn’t look very recyclable and can it even cut down on pollution? Then what good is it?

Here’s a robot that a kid named Julia made that only costs $100. It does what the drug destroyer does: it can turn drugs into cool toys. (I’ll refer you to the green button in the upper left-hand corner.) IT ALSO MAKES HUMAN BEINGS. The inventor says the super robot will “make you a police or even a detective.” You know, for arresting druggies that are hanging around and to help teach your family about recycling.

The super robot also has a built-in CD player.

This is the best invention of all and I can’t even hardly believe someone has finally taken the time to invent this. You’ve probably seen this at any local pizzeria located within an audioanimatronic aviary. If you haven’t well, here’s how it works, it’s very simple.

You have a pizza that just got out of the oven. Someone says, “Oh, pizza!” And they take a slice of pizza. Before you know it, a bird flaps down an puts a fresh new slice of pizza down right there. And it’s not even a real bird. We don’t have to use up all of nature’s birds. We can use recyclable, pollution-free robot birds.

The Robot Bird Who Restores Food. Inventor: Meggin Sowers. Her price is $50. She didn’t write a description. Still, I think it’s implied: if you have drugs on the table and you use the drugs, I’ll bet the robot bird will replenish them with some coughed-up mice skeletons. That have a tracking locator inside.

See also: Softening The Mummy Message. Horse Jumping, Starring Imagination As Your Horse. The Art of Stuffing Your Pockets While Still Appearing Moderately Sane. Incident #9. The Man.