People Who End With Fish, Part Two

Ha! You thought I couldn’t scrounge up material for a Part II to my wildly disregarded feature segment People Who End With Fish! It is with great pleasure that I now take a moment of blog’s time to prove you wrong. Can’t you feel the groundswell? Mermaids are beating their torsos underneath the water table, sonar messages are everywhere, humpback whales are bemoaning your folly, and Marine World employees are shaking their heads. “Typical,” they say.

Last time, we explored the exciting developments in the world of mermanificaton and mermaidenhood. Today, we’re completing the human-fish body meld with a true story of one man, his nacelle, and countless drops of actual water. Welcome to the idea and design of the dolphin man nacelle.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking: Whoa! Not only do I get to be a dolphin, but I get to be a flying dolphin in the sky who puffs out these beautiful, prismatic cumulonimbus clouds!! I hate to break it to you, but your arms will need to be replaced with hinged arms, keep in mind.

Hanno Smits, the creator of the “dolphinman idea” has this to say:

My dolphinman idea is based on a powerful monofin. These fins allow you to very efficiently propel yourself through the water. When you swim at high speed with the fin you can really feel teh resistance of the water, the force is comparable with airresistance of app. 300km/h!!! because the density of water is that much larger. Imagine the result of fairing your body hydrodynamically!! The effect will be very large, much larger than the shark skin swimsuits used by worldclass swimmers as the monofin speed is that much higher. The idea of the dolphin suit/fairing looks apealing.

Summary: (1) He has swam at high speeds with the fin. (2) Finally something can compete with those shark skin suits that the worldclass is using.

Hanno also says on his about page: Playing with the elements is my life theme.

In this diagram, you can see that Hanno is interested in erasing any trace of the human impostor. He intends to use “vivid colors to confuse any predators with a keen eyesights.” I know a lot of underwater baddies who would love to get their hands on a dolphin who tastes like people. And, of course, we need to be on the look out for cannibalistic worldclass swimmers in shark’s skin.

Basically, once you enter the dolphin nacelle, you are also entering the food chain. Fight or flight. The lower laws of animals. I don’t think police or coast guard can get involved at this level.

There’s no explanation for this full body nacelle, but you get the basic idea. Hanno’s just copying the idea behind old polo shirts and giving the nacelle some design. I think encasing the whole body is an awesome idea and it ensures that, should you suffocate or pass out from extreme depth, the adventure continues. It’s up to the nacelle at that point.

There’s also something about this whole nacelle suit that gives me this great feeling. Like technology is giving the human form a huge full-body hug, careful to leave no region unhugged. Just like when a parent hugs you so hard that you feel like your breathing is constricted, but you’re actually just sailing unhindered along the cool, briny ocean floor.

And now Hanno splashes his tail at us playfully, as if it’s not enough to just have the exterior of a dolphin. No, try standing over Hanno on a very tall ladder with a handful of mince meat and see what happens. If you’d like to follow Hanno’s lifelong adventures, please do check in with his Dolphinman pages. Who knows what elements he’s going to play with next. I can’t wait to see what he does with pure earthen materials.

Maybe a neoprene gopher suit. Perhaps prosthetic crab hands that can dig faster than worldclass jackhammerists wearing lava flesh. Whatever happens, we know Hanno will be filling in where evolution’s left off with plenty of epoxy.

See also: People Who End With Fish, Part One. Poft.