Softening The Mummy Message
Coaxing Kids Into Approaching the Sarcophagus, Smiling With It and Embarking On a Legendary Interstellar Journey With It
I have found the perfect Internet web page. It’s perfect. It has the slogans, it has the photo wrongness, it has gradient abuse, it has legitimate W.T.F. power, and most of all, it has the best domain name ever: mummies.kids.us. TEARS!!
It’s true, though. I’m sick of United States kids not knowing about mummies! For Ramses II’s sake, people!! Mummies are just straightened-up YOUs!! They’re modern, they’re ancient—no word on if they are justified—surely, They’re Mummies You Don’t Mind™.
(Ed. note: Recently, the domain has changed to summum.kids.us. In case you want the links to follow.)
This trademarked slogan is property of the Summum 501c(3) and 170(b)(1)(A)(i) tax exempt organization, an absolutely adorable religion which is founded upon the tenants of human and animal mummification. I found it easiest to learn about Summum by watching Corky Ra diggin his mummiformed cat Oscar.
Mummiform™ is specialty of Summum. It’s a clay or ceramic encasing around the corpse. They should have called it ClayNonMation, though. And Mummiform™ should the bra version of it.
Yeah, so, back to Mummies.Kids. The hero. Mummy Bear. And wherever you go, Mummy Bear follows. In the form of a caterpillar of winkin-blinkin Mummy Bear heads.
Mummy Bear is an old, wizened hand at all this embalmment business. He’s been doing it since… Let’s see… I’m thinking 26,486 BCE in Atlantis… Has it really been that long?! As such, he’s unequivocally the best candidate out there to be the edu’lebrity for modern mummification.
You can dig into all the lore on the Mummy Bear page. It’s basically the same story as National Treasure. (Except in this story, The Constitution has superhuman strength and is THE BEST at tossing grenades under doorjams at the last second.) However, I’m inclined to believe that Mummy Bear is probably a demigod with an imperialist agenda and a ruthless time schedule under which he now operates. (Just look at how his timeline has RECENTLY ACCELERATED!)
I’m saying—sure, play the games and make claps for the poems, but just think:
- Mummy Bear is able to break and/or see-through his wraps. That’s more than us.
- Mummy Bear has unincumbered universal appeal. Which is how evil guys take over. Boris Yeltsin was very handsome and so people let down their guard immediately.
- Mummy Bear has key positioning at phathole.com and cutedoggy.com. I have all the right meta tags and I haven’t been able to break those places. And here Mummy Bear prances in like a debutante.
- Mummy Bear has operating minions who work unawares. Ahem, did we learn anything from 1922?
Mysterious guardians of Bear Ankh Amon’s mummiform are afraid Howard and his archeologist friends might find it also. They are not supposed to find it. So the guardians move Bear Ankh Amon far away to a new, secret location.
We need someone in the inside of Summum to get me mummified and swap me into Bear Ankh Amon’s mummiform. I will share all his hunny from throughout history!!
See also: Ill Kids With Plenty of Wizards and Dead Astronauts on Their Hands, His Very Last Bleep Went Blipp.
